The joys, frustrations or fears of parenthood are unbeknownst to me. Maybe I understand it as deeply as we understood Sociology after the first semester. Little in theory and zilch in practice.
But my familiarity with you allows me some access to your moods. And thus access to the mind of a parent. A parent that I can look at without any generational, ideological or emotional prejudices.
As I write this, my brain is busy conceptualising a theory about how as kids we only understand parents from a top down approach. We understand what they show and say to us. And often, they dont show or say the most important things. Or we don’t see. I don’t know what my father does when I keep down the phone saying I am too angry to talk. I don’t know what he thinks when a health report or a bill increases his anxiety. I don’t know if he examines the gifts we give him again and again in the loneliness of his room. I also don’t know what my mother felt when she first held me. What were her thoughts, dreams and fears for me? What were the things she noticed about me? Did something puzzle her? Did something scare her? Did she ever think twenty years far into the future? I don’t know. I basically don’t know the journeys two individuals took towards my parenting.
But you I know. And I know your thoughts and fears, your sudden bouts of anxiety and largely prevalent certainty of your decision. I know your ranting and your questioning, and the fact that none of it needs me to be much other than a constant silent spectator. But you see, because I am a spectator, I know you. I know a little of the journey you are taking as an individual towards becoming a parent. And through knowing you, I have come to consider the concept of parenthood as a little less other-worldly. It seems like parents are regular goddamned complicated creatures (like you and me and all our dysfunctional friends)with the anxiety range of a teenager to a granny, sometimes lunatic, sometimes wise and often just vulnerably human.
So on that note, I am going to share not just with you but also with Sehle, the journey of this crackhead of a father. He is hilarious and resembles you in his insane incoherent fears. But most importantly I am sharing this to inspire Sehle to don a tutu, ten years down the line. Here is even a small poem, dedicated to him,
When the going gets tough
and child behaves rough,
teach him a trick or two,
About life with you.
Because roses are red,
And skies are blue.
And Samra and Tammi,
Would love you in a Tutu.
P.S- Yes Samra, please google what a Tutu is. But only after reading the comics.